


The Third Drawer

by scarletmanuka



Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Angst, Assumptions of suicidal thoughts, Depression, Evan "Buck" Buckley Needs A Hug, Hopeful Ending, Hurt Evan "Buck" Buckley, M/M, Post-lawsuit, Self Harm, Whump, graphic depictions of self harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-09
Updated: 2021-02-12
Packaged: 2021-03-15 07:33:44
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 2
Words: 7,767
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29310378
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/scarletmanuka/pseuds/scarletmanuka
Summary: After his return to work, Buck feels lost and alone due to the way he;s been treated by the people he thought were his family. In order to stop the pain, he begins to hurt himself instead.
Relationships: Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV)
Comments: 55
Kudos: 500
Collections: 9-1-1 Tales





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> **Trigger warning** There are graphic depictions of self harm in this fic, please do not read if this will trigger you.

The first time Buck cuts is after a 24 hour shift, two weeks after his reinstatement.

He’d fought so hard to get back to his family, to the 118, it was all he’d wanted. He’d not wanted the money, he’d not wanted to drag the Department through the courts, he’d simply wanted to be able to do the job that he loved with the people that he loved. People that he _thought_ loved him too.

He’d been proved wrong in that regard. He knew that Bobby was mad with him, and he understood why, but he can’t deny that being considered a disappointment by Bobby hurts more than being considered a disappointment by his real father ever had. Hen had been welcoming when he first came back but over the weeks she’d become more and more distant as she was torn between standing up for Buck and keeping the peace with the rest of the team. Chimney had simply upped the snark, never actually being horrible to him, but only ever replying with snippy remarks that stung like an insect bite - able to be ignored at the start but after the fiftieth one, it hurt like a bitch.

Eddie’s attitude towards Buck has hurt the most though. They had been best friends, and yes, Buck hadn’t been there when Eddie needed him but Eddie hadn’t really been there for him, either. During his initial recovery, yes, and even after the embolism, but after the tsunami...he’d just kind of fallen away. The whole reason for the lawsuit was so Buck _could_ be there for Eddie, for the rest of his fire family, since Bobby was keeping him from them. But no one saw his side of it and although he’d apologised, no one had really forgiven him as yet. 

It just hurt _so_ much. Each day he woke and there was an ache in his chest, a churning in his stomach. He lost weight, unable to keep anything down, and he tired easily but he had to keep pushing himself, had to prove that he’s fit and capable enough to do the job. He still suffers from some pain in his leg when he pushes too hard during a workout but that’s nothing, _nothing_ compared to the pain that he feels from the rejection of his family. He swears that he can feel his heart cracking, breaking in two and most nights he gets hardly any sleep because it simply hurts too much.

After a truly shocking day, when he’d either been ignored or snapped at by almost every single person at the station, when he’d been held back yet again from doing his actual job, it all got to be too much. No matter what Buck did, how much he apologised, how hard he worked, how much he proved himself, the pain just kept coming, and coming, beyond his control. He was exhausted but strung out, torn between wanting to sleep but being too keyed up to rest, a feeling under his skin like a thousand ants trying to break their way through. He just wanted it to stop, just wanted some God damn _control_ over the fucking pain.

He stopped in the kitchen and not really sure why, he pulled open the third drawer down, the one that held all the odds and sods that didn't really belong anywhere else (just like him, his life was one big third drawer). He stared at the contents, eyes sliding over cookie cutters and bag clips, a cake server, replacement blades for his box cutter, and the fancy salad spoons that he never used because tongs worked so much better. His eyes fell back on the blades and he picked them up, feeling the weight of them in his hand. He didn’t think as he walked over to the couch, it was as if his brain already knew what he had to do and was instructing his body so he didn't even have to think, he just had to act. 

He sat on the couch and slid open the plastic container, revealing the blades within. He pulled one out, noticing the way the oiled metal glinted in the light from the bulb overhead. His eyes dropped to his thigh, where his sleep shorts had ridden up to expose the pale skin, covered in soft brown hair. Without hesitation he quickly and deftly sliced across his skin three times, leaving three neat, equally sized slashes in the blade’s wake. He lifted his hand and watched with a clinical detachment as his skin split open, a moment of nothingness before blood welled up and began to bead over the wounds. 

Then the pain hit, a sharp stinging sensation that quickly turned into a dull throb. Buck reached for the box of tissues on the coffee table, plucking out several and pressing them against the cuts, keeping a steady pressure on them. After a while, he pulled the tissues away and checked the wounds, noticing that the bleeding had slowed but hadn't quite stopped. He stood and made his way upstairs to the bathroom, causing the bleeding to begin in earnest once more but he soon fetched the first aid kit and had himself patched up in no time. He disposed of the blade, making sure it was well wrapped and then he closed the small plastic case and returned it to the third drawer. 

As Buck went about his evening, cooking a simple dinner that he barely ate two bites of, and watching a random sitcom on television, there was a constant ache in his leg. Every now and then he would apply pressure to the dressing he had applied, causing the pain to spike, drawing a gasp from his throat. When he went to bed, he had to roll over from the side he normally slept on as it put pressure on the wound and was too uncomfortable. Even on his other side, he couldn’t have the comforter covering him as it rubbed against the sensitive skin of the cut. 

It was just as Buck was drifting off to sleep that he realised that he’d been so focussed on the pain that he had inflicted onto himself that he hadn't given any thought whatsoever to the pain that his former family were causing him. 

He’d found a way to control his pain.

oOoOo

Over the next week, Buck was allowed back on calls but he wasn’t allowed to do anything more than carry equipment, work the winch, and do any other grunt work that was required. It was a step up from washing the trucks and doing the dishes but it still wasn’t the job that he’d fought so hard to get back to. Bobby snapped at him for being too slow in fetching the hose, Hen spoke even less frequently to him, and Chim was even more snappish than usual. Eddie had gone from pretending that Buck wasn't there to glaring at him at every opportunity he got. 

One afternoon as their shift came to an end, Buck heard the team discussing heading out to a bar after work for drinks. Eddie looked directly at Buck when he said, “It’ll be good to spend some time with my real friends.”

Buck was shattered. He sat in his truck in the parking lot of the station, unable to help the tears that fell from his face. One by one he saw each of the team leave the station, each driving off in the same direction, leaving him behind. He grasped at his chest as his heart burned with rejection, his tears soaking into the collar of his shirt. As soon as he got home, he went directly to the third drawer and grabbed the pack of replacement blades then headed upstairs. He grabbed the first aid kit beforehand and placed it on the bed, before stripping off his jeans and sitting down in his boxers. He looked down at the previous cuts, scabbed over and almost healed already despite the blood thinners and ran a hand gently over them. They’d stopped hurting days ago unless he banged his leg against the table or the ladder truck.

He pulled a new blade from the case and turned his attention to the other leg, pale and unmarked before him. He drew in a shuddering breath, the sobs from earlier threatening to return, to consume him along with the pain at knowing that the people he loved with all his heart were out without him, were enjoying life and were happy, happy that he wasn't there with them. He gripped the blade tighter and drew it down, once, twice, a third time, leaving three two inch cuts neatly in his skin. Once again there was a pause before the blood flowed from the cut, and he counted three heartbeats during that time. And then the pain came, and with it the blessed relief of being able to concentrate on that, to feel the throb, to have his eyes water with the sting, to forget everything else. 

oOoOo

It became almost a ritual after that. Whenever everything got too much for him, Buck would go to the third drawer and retrieve the blades, and then head upstairs and gather everything he needed. He would lay everything that he would need to tend his wounds neatly on the bed and then he would choose where he would cut. He stuck mostly to his thighs and upper arms, places that were easily hidden by his clothes, even with his sleeves rolled up. He always used a new blade, and he always made three cuts, two inches long and half an inch apart. He was always careful not to cut too deeply, aware that he was tempting fate doing this whilst on blood thinners. Afterwards he would clean the wounds and dress them, making sure to keep them clean and dry. 

He didn't tell anyone what he was doing, not that anyone asked. The only person that he ever saw who seemed concerned about him was Maddie, who fretted over how thin and pale he was. He managed to assure her that he was okay, not wanting to confide in her and place the burden on her shoulders. She had gone through enough in the past year and even just thinking of adding this to the list of issues she had to deal with filled Buck with shame. He knew it wasn’t a healthy coping mechanism but it was working, it was helping him remain in control of his pain, but as soon as things settled down at work, he would stop.

The day that he had to go to the hardware store to buy more blades was the day that he realised that this wasn’t just a passing coping mechanism. He _chose_ to leave the house and buy the instruments he needed to deliberately hurt himself and if he was honest, things at work weren’t getting any better. It had been over a month since his return and he was still being treated like some sort of pariah and he found his love for the job dimming every day. He often wondered exactly _why_ he’d fought so hard to return when each day he was more and more miserable. 

He began cutting more and more regularly, almost every second day and he was soon cutting over his older wounds, even before they were fully healed. He knew that if he kept it up, he would end up with hypertrophic scarring but he simply didn’t care, he _needed_ the control that the cutting brought him. He began to sneak dressings from the supplies at work after the pharmacist at his local dispensary started to question how many he was buying. Since he was still given all the tedious jobs at work, he often was the one doing inventory and so it was easy enough to slip a few dressings in his pocket each time. 

When Bobby invited everyone but Buck to his place to help celebrate Athena’s birthday, he couldn't simply stop at three cuts to his left thigh. He moved immediately to his right thigh and sliced into the tender flesh that was still red and raised from the same treatment only three days prior. There was no delay this time with the bleeding, and pain lanced up his leg immediately, but it wasn't enough, it wasn't stopping the heartache he felt at being excluded yet again. As tears streamed down his face, Buck moved to his left arm, and in his desperation to find some sort of relief, he pressed down harder than he normally did. 

The blood from these cuts didn't just bead until he could apply pressure but gushed from the wounds, running down his arm to pool in the crook of his elbow. “Fuck,” he swore softly, immediately reaching for a gauze pad and pressing it hard against the wounds. It soaked through straight away and he began to realise how much he’d fucked up. The cuts on his leg were dripping blood down his legs, staining his bedcover and he quickly grabbed some dressings, slapping them on and hoping that the bleeding would stop even without his normal meticulous care. 

Grabbing another gauze pad, Buck pressed it firmly against his arm, holding it above his head to elevate it. After ten minutes, it was still bleeding freely and he realised that it would require stitches. The placement of the cuts so high on his arm and the angle he would have to reach made it impossible for him to do it himself. 

Going to the hospital was out of the question since there was a good chance that he’d be forcibly admitted to a psych ward since there was no way that a doctor wouldn't recognise the wounds as being self inflicted. There was no way that Buck was going to call Maddie and put her through that as it was the last thing she needed. With his options dwindling, Buck figured that the only person he could call was Hen. He’d have to sit through a lecture but she would patch him up, hopefully in time for him to not lose enough blood that he’d require a transfusion. 

He grabbed his phone, having to let go of his wound to do so, ignoring the fact that he was smearing blood all over the screen. He found Hen’s number and hit dial, then turned the phone to speaker and placed it on his bed so he could go back to putting pressure on the cuts. 

_“Hello, Hen’s phone.”_

That wasn't Hen. In fact, it was the very last person that Buck wanted answering her phone. With his hands busy, he couldn't even reach down just yet and hang up.

 _“Hello?”_ Eddie said again.

“Is Hen there?” he asked, his voice shaking enough that it would hopefully disguise his voice.

 _“She’s a little busy right now, sorry,”_ Eddie said. _“Can I take a message?”_

Fuck, fuck, _fuck._ Buck sighed. “Eddie, can you please get her to call me as soon as she can, it’s real important.”

There was a pause. _“Wait, Buck, is that you?”_

“Yeah, it is. I really need to speak to her.”

_“Look, Denny fell over and twisted his ankle, she’s a little busy with him right now so I don’t think she’s really got time to talk to you now.”_

Tears continued to fall over Buck’s cheeks. “Eddie, _please,”_ he said, his voice breaking.

Eddie huffed out a breath. _“Look, I can probably get her to call you back in an hour or so.”_

Buck closed his eyes. He didn't think he had that long.

_“Wait, what do you mean you don’t have that long?”_

Shit, had he said that out loud? “Nevermind, Eddie. It’s okay.” Buck was getting dizzy and he slumped down onto the floor by the bed, only just managing to keep his arm raised above his heart.

 _“Buck, what did you mean?”_ Eddie’s voice had taken on a note of concern that Buck would have given anything to hear over the past six weeks.

“It doesn't matter. _I_ don’t matter.” His voice was getting weaker and it was harder and harder to stay awake. It wasn’t meant to be like this, Buck had never meant for it to be this bad. He’d only wanted the pain, the pain that _he_ controlled, to keep the pain that he couldn’t control at bay. He’d never wanted to kill himself, he was scared to die, but because he always fucked everything up, he hadn't even managed to get this right. He should have been more careful, he knew the risks of self harming like this whilst on blood thinners but he’d done it anyway and now he was paying the price. 

_“Buck, what do you mean, of_ **_course_ ** _you matter.”_ There was the sound of the phone being muffled and Eddie shouting that he had to go, then dimly Buck heard a card door slam. _“I’m coming, Buck, whatever it is, whatever has happened, it’ll be alright, I’m coming.”_

“Why?” he asked, his voice slurring. “Y’hate me.”

_“Hate you? Fuck, I know it must seem like that but I don't hate you, Buck. I was just hurt.”_

“S’was I. Just want’d pain t’stop.” His eyes were closing again and Buck didn't think that he’d be able to keep them open much longer. “S’kay, Eds. Ev’rything’s gonna be ‘kay.” Buck slumped down against the bed, the sounds of Eddie yelling at him the last thing he heard before darkness took him.

oOoOo

“You stupid, idiotic, dumbass! What the fuck were you thinking?”

Buck’s eyes fluttered open and he looked up to see Eddie hovering above him. His normally stoic face was crumpled and his eyes were red from where he’d been crying. Buck frowned and tried to look around, recognising the ceiling as belonging to his bedroom. “Eddie,” he said, not sure what to say.

Eddie’s jaw tightened and he looked like he was holding back even more tears. “What the fuck, Buck?” he asked, his voice cracking. “Why the hell would you try to kill youself?”

He shook his head. “I wasn’t.”

Eddie held up the box cutter blade. “Really? Then what the fuck do you call this, huh?”

“It’s not like that,” Buck said, trying to sit up. 

Eddie threw the blade across the room and pushed hard on Buck’s chest, forcing him back down. “Stay there,” he commanded. 

“I’m fine, Eddie, let me up.”

“You’re not _fine,_ Buck, none of this is _fine!”_

He sighed. “Look, I wasn’t trying to kill myself, I swear. The cutting, it was just a way to stop the pain.”

Eddie let out a slightly hysterical laugh. “That’s a total oxymoron, you _moron!_ Hurting yourself to stop the pain? That doesn't make any fucking sense!”

“It does to me, alright. I could control it, _I_ was the one hurting me so I didn't have to think about everyone else hurting me.”

Eddie opened his mouth to say something but it snapped closed and a look of horror crossed his face. “Wait, you’re saying that you did this because of _us?”_

Buck was suddenly angry. “No, it was just a new fucking hobby of mine,” he snapped. “Why else do you think I did it? Because of all the other crap going on in my life?”

“But you got your job back, you got what you wanted!”

 _“I wanted my family back!”_ Buck yelled. “Instead I’ve been ostracised, ignored, made to feel like I’m an intruder. It’s been made very clear that I’m no longer part of the 118 family.”

Eddie shook his head. “No one thinks that, Buck, I swear. We were just hurt.”

 _“So was I!_ Bobby wouldn't let me come back, even though I’d been signed off. I just wanted to come back, to be with you all and then you went and got mad when I tried to come back to you!”

“There were other ways,” Eddie said.

“What other ways?” Buck demanded. “Tell me, Eddie, what other ways were there? Because I tried everything I could think of and in the end going to that lawyer seemed like my only option. I know it hurt you all, I know I wasn’t there for you when I needed you, and I wish I hadn't done it now, because losing you then would have hurt less than losing you all the way I did.”

Eddie sat down on the edge of the bed. “You haven’t lost us.”

Buck snorted and turned his face away. “Really? So what, my invitation to Athena’s party was lost in the mail? Along with my invite to all the nights out? You know, the ones with your _real_ friends?”

Eddie let out what sounded like a sob and he grasped one of Buck’s hands, not letting him shake him off. “I’m sorry, Buck, we made mistakes, we all did. But we still love you, you’re still part of our family. I know we haven’t made you feel that way and we have a lot to make up to you, but please, let us try.”

Tears leaked from Buck’s eyes and he reached up with his free hand to wipe them away. A thick bandage caught his eye and he said softly, “You stitched me up?”

Eddie nodded. “Yeah, I did. I figured you’d called Hen cos you didn't want to go to the hospital. I’ve also patched up the cuts on your legs, and there’s some apple juice on your bedside table and a sandwich that you should eat, give your body the fuel it needs to replace the blood you lost.”

“Thank you,” he said in a small voice.

“Buck, I know you have no reason to believe me, not after the way I treated you, but I’m here for you. I want to help you.”

“I don’t know if you can.”

“I’d like to try, if you’d let me.”

“Why? Why now?”

Eddie sighed. “Because tonight I could have lost you and it made me realise just how much I _can’t_ lose you. The last couple of months without you in my life have been the most horrible months I’ve ever lived through. I _need_ you in my life, Buck, in Christopher’s life.” He gave Buck's hand a gentle squeeze. “Please, will you give me a second chance? I know it will take time to regain your trust, and I know that we need to build our friendship back up, but eventually, I’d like to try for more.”

Buck’s brow furrowed and his heart thumped hard against his rib cage. Was Eddie saying what he thought he was saying? “More?”

“I want everything with you, Buck. I want to wake up with you, and have our morning coffee together. I want to go grocery shopping with you and fight over who puts the trash out. I want you to come with me to Christopher’s school plays and be there on Christmas morning.” He paused and then said, “I want to help you with what’s going on in your head right now, I want to fix what I’ve done and be there to help you recover. I want to be the one you turn to instead of hurting yourself. I want to give you everything and I want you by my side, for the rest of my life.”

“That’s quite a lot more,” Buck said slowly.

“Yeah, it is,” Eddie said, a tear rolling down his cheek. “It took almost losing you to realise how much I love you, Buck. What do you say? Will you give me a chance?”

Buck thought about everything he'd felt in the past six weeks, about the ache in his chest that had never quite gone away, about the way the small plastic container in the third drawer called to him when the pain became too much. He thought about how he felt now, and how the pressure of Eddie’s hand in his was doing more to dull the pain than the sting in his arm and thighs ever did. He thought about the future and how badly he wanted to _have_ a future, and he thought about how much he loved the man who was offering him one. 

He squeezed Eddie’s hand and, taking a leap of faith, whispered, “Okay.”


	2. Chapter 2

Eddie watched as Buck slept, unable to drag his eyes away from his pale and gaunt face. Buck had lost _so much weight,_ how had none of them noticed? The white of the bandage wrapped around his upper arm was a stark contrast against the shadows of the room and it hurt him so much to think of the wound beneath, a wound that Buck had self inflicted.

But really, how much pain had Buck been in? The pain that Eddie was feeling now couldn’t even come close in comparison. He’d never hurt so badly that the only way to make it better was to make himself hurt _more._ He didn’t understand but really, Eddie didn't _need_ to understand it, he just needed to be there for Buck. Needed to _start_ being there for Buck because he had failed, failed utterly as his best friend. Guilt sat heavy in his gut as he thought about how much he’d pulled away from Buck, how much he’d blamed him for all the shit going on in Eddie’s life and had completely invalidated the pain and trauma that _Buck_ had suffered. By all rights, Buck should have told him to fuck off and never come back but instead, he’d accepted Eddie’s plea to give him another chance. Eddie wasn’t entirely sure if Buck had been in the right frame of mind to truly understand what he’d been asking for, but even if Buck only ever wanted to be friends, then Eddie would accept that. He wanted more, so much more, but he knew that didn’t deserve it. All he could do at this point was to work hard to regain Buck’s trust and follow his lead.

It was late, and Eddie didn’t want to wake Buck but he needed to speak to Bobby. He pulled his phone out of his pocket and shot off a text.

_12:16am: I need to speak with you as soon as shift starts tomorrow._

_12:17am: Oh, and Buck won’t be at work._

_12:19am: Does this have something to do with_

_you leaving the party so suddenly?_

_12:20: A little to do with that and a whole lot to do with_

_the shitty way we’ve been treating a member of our family._

_12:25am: Understood. Meeting scheduled for 08:00_

Eddie set an alarm so he could be up early enough to make another call before he headed into work and then he shuffled down the bed and got comfortable. He wanted nothing more but to crawl under the covers with Buck, to hold him close, but he knew that that would be too much. Instead, he allowed his hand to rest so it was _just_ touching Buck’s back through the comforter and then he fell into an uneasy sleep.

oOoOo

Eddie woke a minute before his alarm was due to go off and he quickly silenced it, happy to see that Buck was still slumbering deeply. He’d been worried that Buck wouldn’t be able to get the rest that he needed in order to heal but a full night’s sleep was a good start. 

Slipping silently from the room, Eddie went downstairs and into the hall outside of Buck’s apartment. He then pulled out his phone and hit call.

 _“Good morning, sunshine,”_ Carla greeted him with her normal chirpy tone.

“Hey, Carla, sorry to call you so early.”

_“Oh, you know I’m up and about with the sun, Eddie, no need to apologise. What can I do for you?”_

“Any chance that when you come to watch Chris today, you guys could come and hang out at Buck’s place?”

_“You know that I don’t mind in the slightest but I gotta ask - is something wrong?”_

He sighed. “It’s not my place to say, Carla, but I don’t want him to be alone today. I think having you and Chris here would do him some good.”

_“Christopher has really missed him, he’s gonna be over the moon.”_

“Thank you so much. I gotta head home quickly and get ready for work. I’ll leave my key to his apartment on my table so you can grab it when Pepa drops Chris home.” He paused. “Oh, and Carla?”

_“Yeah?”_

“Please don’t push Buck for answers. He needs to be surrounded by people who love him unconditionally right now, not interrogated.”

_“If you didn’t sound so worried about that boy, I’d be offended, Eddie. You leave it to Chris and I, we’ll put a smile on Buck’s face, never you mind.”_

“Thank you. See you tonight.”

Eddie headed back inside and poked around the kitchen, not finding a lot of options for breakfast for Buck. He ended up scrambling some eggs and serving them with a toasted muffin and a protein shake, which he loaded up onto a tray and took up to the bedroom. Buck was already awake, wrapped up in his comforter like a cocoon. “Hey,” Eddie said softly, setting the food down on the bedside table.

Buck looked up at him with cautious eyes. “I wasn’t sure if you had really come last night.”

Sitting on the edge of the bed, Eddie reached over and brushed a lock of hair off Buck’s forehead. “I did and I stayed the whole night. I gotta go into work now though but I’ve organised some visitors for you.”

Buck frowned. “I don’t need to be on suicide watch, Eddie.”

“No, no, it’s not like that,” Eddie hurried to assure him. “I just thought you might want to spend the day with Christopher.”

Buck immediately perked up at that. “Really? You’ll let me see him?”

“Oh, sweetheart, I’m sorry if I ever made you feel like you couldn’t.” He felt around until he located Buck’s hand under the comforter and squeezed it through the material. “I’ve fucked up so badly, Buck, but I want to make it up to you. I swear, I’ll do everything you need.”

“I know I’ve made mistakes, Eddie, I know that I’ve hurt you too,” Buck told him. 

“I don’t think playing the blame game right now is going to help,” Eddie said, knowing that he was being a hypocrite because he was going to spend the next several weeks blaming himself and beating himself up, but Buck didn't need to know that. “I don’t have much time before I have to head off so can I just quickly check your wounds? Then you can have some breakfast.”

Buck looked over at the tray. “I can’t believe you cooked for me.”

“Oh, you know me, I don’t have many skills but eggs aren't too hard to screw up.”

He helped Buck up into a sitting position and began to unwrap the bandage around his arm first of all. The stitches had held well during the night and there was little blood so Eddie rewrapped it and moved to the injuries on Buck’s thighs. He tried to ignore how the once powerful thighs were now only a shadow of their former selves as he carefully peeled the dressings off. He’d had to use a butterfly clip on one of the cuts but the others weren’t too bad, although they’d bled more than the cut on his arm. Eddie wiped them over with a disinfectant wipe and then put new dressings on over the top. “Okay, all done,” he said, trying to keep his tone cheerful. “I’ll check them again tonight but I don’t think there’ll be any problems.”

Buck nodded and was quick to cover himself once more with the blanket. “I guess since you’ve already organised my day that Bobby knows I’m not coming in?”

“Yeah, I called in for you,” Eddie confirmed. “Hope that was okay.”

Buck nodded. “Thanks.” He looked up and caught Eddie’s gaze. “I mean it, Eddie. Thank you.”

The gratitude met the guilt in Eddie’s gut and it turned even more sour but he pushed it down. Then before he could think better of it, he leaned forward and brushed his lips against Buck’s temple. “See you tonight,” he whispered. “Call me if you need to talk or just need anything.”

Hesitant but hopeful eyes watched him as he turned and left the bedroom and Eddie steeled himself for the confrontations he knew were to come. His day had only just begun.

oOoOo

Eddie followed Bobby into his office and ignored the surprised look on his Captain’s face as he shut the door behind them. “I take it that this is serious?” Bobby said, sitting down and nodding at the chair on the other side of his desk.

Eddie didn’t take the offer, instead falling into parade rest. “I would have thought from my text that that would have been obvious, Cap,” he said, polite but firm.

Bobby sighed. “Look, I know things have been difficult with Buck lately, and we’ve been making him feel a little excluded but -”

“I’m gonna stop you right there,” Eddie said. “Things haven’t just been ‘difficult’ and we haven’t been excluding Buck ‘just a little’. We’ve been downright bullying him and it needs to stop. _You_ need to stop. I know that this all started with good intentions - you didn’t want to see Buck hurt, you didn’t want him in danger - and yeah, I get it, the lawsuit sucked, but it’s gone on for too long, we’ve been hurting him for too long! People here are following your lead, and you need to make it known that it’s not okay.”

“The lawsuit didn't just _suck_ for me, Diaz,” Bobby snapped, using his Captain Voice. “Firefighter Buckley didn’t just sue the Department, he sued me _personally_ for unfair dismissal.”

“And it was dropped,” Eddie said as calmly as he could. Losing his temper and yelling - or worse - at Bobby wasn’t going to help the situation. “It’s time to move on.”

“I get that Buck’s pride is being hurt by me making him do chores but he’s got to learn that there are consequences,” Bobby stated.

Eddie hadn't planned to tell Buck’s secret, knew that if Buck wanted people to know then he would tell them, but Bobby was so _wrong_ that he couldn't help it. “Dammit, Bobby, it’s not just his pride that’s hurt, he’s hurting himself!” he snapped. “That’s the damn consequences!”

Bobby froze. “What did you say?” he asked hoarsely.

Eddie cursed under his breath and finally dropped down into the chair. He rubbed at his eyes, trying to ignore the way it felt like they were full of sand. He just wanted to go back to Buck’s and curl up with him and sleep. “Buck’s been self harming,” he said. “I shouldn’t have said anything, it’s not my place and I’ve betrayed him enough but you need to know, Bobby. You _need_ to understand how bad it is and it’s all because of _us._ You, me, everyone here who has been treating him like crap.”

Bobby looked devastated. “How?” he whispered. “How has he been hurting himself?”

“He’s been cutting,” Eddie said in as neutral a tone as possible. 

“But, the blood thinners!”

Eddie nodded. “Yeah, not a good combination but I don’t think Buck’s been thinking too clearly lately. Last night, when we all celebrated Athena’s birthday without him, well, he went a little too hard. When I found him, he was on the verge of passing out from blood loss.”

Bobby stood up. “Which hospital is he in? I need to go and see him.”

“Bobby, sit back down.” It was an order that the Captain obeyed instantly. “He’s not in hospital, he’s at home. He didn't want to go knowing that they’d force him to have a psych evaluation. He called Hen to come and stitch him up but I answered her phone cos she was busy with Denny. So I went. If it had been completely necessary I wouldn’t have hesitated to call an ambulance but it wasn’t. I stitched him up, and he’ll be a little shaky the next few days but I believe he’ll make a full recovery.”

“Fuck,” Bobby said quietly but as he hardly ever swore it had the same impact than if he’d yelled it.

“This whole situation is a cluster fuck,” Eddie told him, “but we have to fix it, now, before it’s too late. If we don’t do something then I’m scared we’ll lose Buck, either to another Station or, well, more permanently.”

Bobby’s head sank into his hands. “I’ve made such a mess of this,” he admitted. “God, how am I ever going to fix it? I owe him so many apologies.”

“Apologising is the first step but we also have to prove to Buck that we’re there for him, that we’ve got his back. And we _actually_ have to have his back from now on. Up until now we’ve done a great job of talking the talk but not walking the walk.”

“You’re right, you’re completely right.” Bobby sat back up and Eddie could tell that he was formulating a plan. “Okay, first things first, I’m calling a meeting of all personnel and I’m going to own my mistakes. Then I’m leaving Chim in charge for today and you and I are going to go and see Buck so I can begin making amends.”

“Alright then.” Eddie stood to go but paused as Bobby called his name.

“Eddie - thank you for calling me out, for making me see what I was doing.”

He shook his head. “Don’t thank me, I should have seen it earlier. I’ve been a terrible friend to Buck and I think my betrayal has been the worst of them all.” He took a shuddering breath. “But I’m gonna do everything I can to make it up to him.”

Bobby nodded. “And we’ll be right there with you.”

oOoOo

Due to the shift change, almost two thirds of the firefighters working for the 118 gathered around when Bobby called the meeting. He stood on the balcony so they could all see and hear him and Eddie stood at the front of the crowd, facing them, a serious expression on his face.

“I know this meeting is unplanned and has been called at the last minute, and I know that this is going to cause some worry for most of you,” Bobby said, his voice steady and unwavering, “and the truth is, you should be worried.”

A murmur ran through the crowd as everyone turned to look at each other, trying to guess what had happened.

“The 118 is not just a firehouse,” Bobby continued, “but a family unit. We work side by side in dangerous situations each and every day and that makes our bond stronger than most blood families. It’s stronger because it’s based on a foundation of trust, loyalty, and the willingness to give our lives for others. You all know that the person standing next to you has your back, just as you have theirs.”

“We got yours too, Cap,” someone called out.

Bobby nodded. “I know, and I appreciate that. The loyalty that you show me is humbling, awe inspiring, and some days, especially lately -” He paused, scanning the faces of each person in the room. “blind.” He held a hand up to silence the protests that had broken out. “One of our own, a young man who has sacrificed so much, _too_ much, for this family, recently found himself facing the biggest struggle of his life. He faced losing us, his family. He fought long and he fought hard to get back to us and he earned the right to return to work.”

Eddie watched and saw realisation dawn on faces and made note of the ones who scowled as they put together that Bobby was talking about Buck.

“Evan Buckley was signed off by the Department to return to work. He passed his certification with flying colours, breaking records in the process. After everything he had gone through, all he wanted was to return to work, to put his life on the line, to serve the people of Los Angeles. By all rights he should have returned to work months ago, and yet he didn’t because _I_ prevented him from returning. I ignored the recommendation of the Department doctors and specialists and made a call as Captain of this house. The _wrong_ call.” He swallowed hard. “We were all shocked and upset when legal action was brought against the Department following my actions, myself most of all. I never sat and explained to Buck what I was going to do, only springing it on him the night before he was due to return. I shouldn’t have been shocked by what he did next because I know how much this job means to Buck. I know how much he puts in and how dedicated he is. Instead of rethinking my actions and reversing my decision, I instead chose to feel hurt and resentment towards him. Then, I engaged in behaviour completely unfitting for a Captain of a Los Angeles Firestation - I made my feelings known to those of you under my command and I turned a blind eye to your reactions. When Buck...when he…” Bobby paused and cleared his throat. “When the Department agreed to reinstate Buck, I didn't make his return easy. In acting in such a childish and unprofessional manner, I in turn influenced many of you to do the same. Firefighter Buckey’s first weeks back at work were full of scorn, ridicule, and downright bullying.”

An angry murmur ran through the crowd and Bobby glared at them all.

“This behaviour was unacceptable. I take full responsibility for the situation as I allowed my personal beliefs to colour how I allowed members of my team to act. However, from this day forth, responsibility falls on _your_ shoulders. Anyone caught engaging in any of these behaviours from now on will be subject to disciplinary action. I will also be advising Buck that if he chooses to file a grievance against me and my behaviour then I will not dispute it, I will willingly take my punishment.” He paused, allowing this to sink in before continuing. “I am not a perfect man, but I always thought that I was a good man. This has reminded me that good men can still make bad choices and act poorly and those that we love suffer the consequences of those actions. I believe all of you to be good people, but like me, some of you have acted badly. Evan Buckley has not said a word about his treatment to me, he has endured it in silence.”

At this, both Hen and Chim looked to Eddie and he recognised the pain in their eyes as they realised how much they had excluded and hurt Buck.

“If I hear that any of you are giving him a hard time because of this meeting, I will act swiftly and I will act harshly,” Bobby said. “We have failed one of our chosen family members, we have failed a member of the 118. We should collectively be ashamed of ourselves and I hope that you will join me in adjusting our behaviour and learning from these mistakes. Buck will be off work for several more days, but when he returns, I expect that you will treat him with the respect and loyalty that each and everyone of us are afforded as members of this family.” His gaze once again swept over each individual member. “Do I make myself understood?”

There was a pause and then Eddie said, “Sir, yes, sir!”

The gathered crowd echoed him.

“Dismissed,” Bobby ordered and he turned and walked back to his office.

Hen and Chim remained behind as everyone dispersed and they both looked shattered. “We’ve been terrible friends, haven’t we?” Hen muttered.

“Do you think he’ll ever forgive us?” Chim asked.

Eddie pursed his lips. “Buck’s heart is too big for his own good. I don’t think he’ll hesitate to forgive us all but I know myself that I will never forgive myself if I don’t earn his forgiveness.”

“Amen to that, brother,” Hen said. “What happens now?”

“Bobby and I are going to go and see him now,” Eddie told them.

“Right,” Chim said. “We’d better get started then, Hen.”

“On what?” she asked.

“On planning the Welcome Back Buck party that our boy deserved weeks ago.”

She smiled. “I like the way you think. We’re going to need a banner, and streamers, and more balloons than you can count.”

Eddie left them to their planning and went to hunt down Bobby.

oOoOo

The sound of laughter hit Eddie as Carla opened the door to Buck’s apartment. It was mostly Christopher’s but Eddie could hear a low chuckle from Buck and his heart soared at knowing that his son had worked his magic yet again. Carla raised a brow as she saw Bobby standing next to Eddie and she said, “I think that Christopher and I should go and find some lunch for us all, leave you boys to talk.”

Eddie didn't disagree and Carla disappeared into the living room and returned a minute later with Chris. Eddie gave him a quick kiss but Carla hustled him out the door in record time. He looked up to see Buck peeking around the corner, his expression a mixture of panic and hope. “Bobby?” he asked.

“Hey, Buck,” Bobby said. “If you have a minute, do you think we could talk? I have an apology to make, if you’re willing to listen.”

Buck looked towards Eddie and he smiled at him but didn't try to otherwise influence Buck’s decision. Both he and Bobby had been in agreement that if Buck didn't want to talk to him, then Bobby would leave immediately. A moment later, Buck nodded. “I’m always willing to listen to what you have to say, Bobby.”

A relieved smile broke out on Bobby’s face and he stepped forward, following Buck through to the living room. Eddie hung back, giving them their space, already thinking ahead to what he could do to start on the long path tof earning Buck’s forgiveness. He looked around for a notepad and pen so he could start taking notes - it was going to be a long list.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had a lot of people ask me for a second chapter so here it is. This story is now done, I won't be writing anymore so please don't request it. This entire fic has been very difficult for me to write due to my personal experiences and I've been overwhelmed by your support (thank you!) and this is the concluson I've chosen that has felt the most hopeful to me. If it's not the ending that you wanted, I simply ask that you respect my creative choices. It won't be to everyone's liking or tick all the boxes, but I'm never going to manage that so all I can do is write the story my way.  
> Much love to you all xxx

**Author's Note:**

> As someone who has self harmed in the past, this fic is not intended to 'glorify' cutting. As much as it may seem like a good idea at the time, it's not a healthy coping mechanism. If you self harm or are thinking about self harming, please find someone to talk to. You are loved and you are worthy of love.


End file.
